Supporting Kids Through Grief
The holiday season is often associated with joy, decorations, traditions, and the busyness of life, keeping everyone on the move. Yet for many families, it is also a time when the loss or absence of a loved one is felt more deeply.
I once read an analogy that has stayed with me: grief is like a button in a box, and you are a ball bouncing around inside that box. When a loss first occurs, it feels like your world has collapsed – the box is small, and the pain button is pressed constantly. Over time, life grows again – the box gets bigger, and the ball hits the button less often. That doesn’t mean the pain has gone away forever, or that the loss matters any less. It simply means there is more space. This is why you can be walking down the street, watching television, or catching a glimpse of someone who reminds you of your loved one, and suddenly feel that grief all over again. It’s human; it’s okay, and grief will affect everyone differently.
Grief also looks different depending on the loss, nature, and connection, and the family experiencing the loss. When I began writing this, I didn’t want it to be solely a “research says this” or “professionals recommend that” type of article. While science and expert guidance absolutely have a place, my goal is to offer practical, compassionate suggestions that may help you navigate a deeply painful and stressful time for both you and your children.
How grief shows up in your household will depend largely on the age of your child or children. Babies sense changes in their environment but do not understand why those changes are happening; as a result, they may become more clingy or fussy. Toddlers (12 months to 4 years) are more aware that something has changed and may have a limited understanding of why, but they often cannot yet fully identify or process their emotions, which may lead to behavioral changes. Young children (5 to 9 years) are similar but have begun to develop basic reasoning skills, allowing for simple conversations about feelings and guidance on healthy versus unhealthy ways to express one’s feelings. Pre-teen (10 to 12 years) have more advanced reasoning skills; their emotions and behaviors may begin to mirror those of the adults around them, and conversations can become more nuanced. Teenagers (ages 13 to 18) are developing independence and a stronger sense of self. Therefore, open communication is critical, but so is respecting their need for space at times. A more detailed explanation of these stages is provided at the end of this article.
The truth is, you know your child best. You likely already have a sense of how they are coping with the changes in their life. With that in mind, the following suggestions are intended to be helpful across all ages.
Practical Ways to Support Children Through Grief
1. Keep a schedule
Maintaining a routine can help preserve a sense of normalcy during a time that otherwise feels unpredictable. Consistent schedules offer stability and comfort as your household adjusts to change. Try to schedule time for yourself or with your support system, even if it’s after your children go to bed, to grieve, too.
2. Talk openly
Open, calm communication matters, even when children are very young. Babies and toddlers may not understand the words being spoken, but they do sense tone and emotional safety. Talking openly helps create a calm environment and establishes a foundation of communication that will serve your family well in the future. For older children, openness invites questions and gives them permission to share their thoughts and feelings.
3. Show emotion
When talking with your children, it is okay to cry. You don’t need to wail or fall apart in front of them, but showing tears demonstrates that sadness, anger, and frustration are normal responses to loss. It also teaches children that emotions should be expressed, not suppressed or taken out on others. You might journal, cry, or talk through your feelings in front of your children and explain that you are working through your emotions. At the same time, it’s healthy to step away when needed by going for a walk, sitting in the car, taking a shower, or leaning on an activity that helps you regulate. Modeling healthy emotional expression is a powerful lesson.
4. Ask questions (young kids and older)
As part of the open communication, ask your children how they are feeling and what they might need from you. Listen carefully to their response. If they ask for something you can’t provide at the moment, explain why while still validating their feelings.
5. Ask for help – You’re NOT alone
One of the most important and hardest things caregivers can do is ask for help. Reach out to loved ones, friends, or your community. You may be surprised by how willing people are to support you once you ask. Whether it’s childcare, help with household tasks, or time for yourself, support matters. There are tons of support systems available online as well; a simple list is provided at the end of the article. Professional counseling for you and/or your children can also be a valuable tool in adjusting to a new normal.
While you cannot control your child’s feelings, you can help them navigate the changing times with love, honesty, and stability. And while you are the adult, you are also human. You are allowed, and meant, to grieve, to show emotion, and ask for and accept support when you need it. Most importantly, remember, you are NOT alone.
References
Ball in a Box Grief Analogy: https://miraclesinc.wordpress.com/2019/02/23/grief-is-like-a-ball-in-a-box-lauren-herschels-metaphor/
Alvis, L. et al., Developmental Manifestations of Grief in Children and Adolescents (review). 2022.
Speece, M. W. & Brent, S. B., Children’s Concepts of Death (theoretical review on components like irreversibility & nonfunctionality). 1995.
Lansdown, R., The development of the concept of death in children aged 5–9 years. 1985 (classic empirical study showing many children grasp core aspects by ~8–9).
Zero to Three — Discussing Death with Young Children (practical developmental guidance for 0–3 yrs).
Brooten, D. et al., Adolescents' Experiences Following a Sibling’s Death (qualitative study of teen grief responses). 2017.
Quick Summary of Grief by Age Group
0–11 months (infants)
Understanding: Infants do not have a conceptual understanding of death. They react to changes in routine, the absence of caregiving, and caregivers’ emotional states rather than to the idea of “death.”
Expression/handling: Grief shows as increased crying, feeding/sleep disruptions, clinginess, reduced play and social engagement. Infants are highly sensitive to caregiver distress so caregiver availability and regulation are the main buffer.
12 months–4 years (toddlers / preschoolers)
Understanding: Toddlers and preschoolers often show egocentric and magical thinking (e.g., “my thoughts caused this”), and they frequently view death as temporary or reversible. Their causal reasoning about death is immature.
Expression/handling: Grief is primarily behavioral meaning regression (bedwetting, baby talk), tantrums, somatic complaints, and/or play that reenacts loss. They may ask repetitive questions. Honest, simple language and consistent routines help.
5–9 years (young kids / early school age)
Understanding: Many children begin to grasp core components of death between ~5–8 years, though understanding continues to develop. Age-appropriate explanations help deepen comprehension.
Expression/handling: Grief can appear both emotionally and behaviorally meaning sadness in spurts, and/or play or drawings about death, school problems, fears about safety. They may oscillate between mature questions and childish behavior.
10–12 years (pre-teens / late childhood)
Understanding: Increasingly abstract thinking allows a more adult-like concept of death; children can reflect on permanence, meaning, and consequences. They may worry about fairness and blame.
Expression/handling: Grief may be introspective, show in academic/peer changes, or emerge as anger. They may conceal feelings to stay “normal” with peers. Support that acknowledges both feelings and practical questions is important.
13–18 years (teens / adolescents)
Understanding: Most adolescents fully understand death conceptually and can process existential questions and meaning.
Expression/handling: Grief can be intense and complex with identity, autonomy, peer relationships, risk-taking, and mood swings influencing coping. Teens may use peer support but also isolate; they have higher risk for prolonged grief, depression, or risky behaviors if unsupported. Confidential, nonjudgmental spaces and mental-health resources are often needed.
Online Grief Resources
The Dougy Center
Who: Children, teens, young adults, parents, caregivers
What: Online support groups, chat-based peer support, guides, videos, caregiver toolkits
Best for: Developmentally appropriate grief support and family-centered care
Website: https://www.dougy.org
Annie’s Hope
Who: Children, teens, families
What: Online grief education, virtual support groups, parent resources
Best for: Structured programs with caregiver involvement
Website: https://annieshope.org
The Compassionate Friends (Online Chapters)
Who: Parents, siblings, grandparents after child loss
What: Virtual meetings, private online communities
Best for: Peer support after the death of a child
Website: https://www.compassionatefriends.org
Hospice Foundation of America
Who: Adults, families, professionals
What: Webinars, online courses, articles, referrals
Best for: Education and understanding grief across the lifespan
Website: https://hospicefoundation.org
If Grief Feels Overwhelming
(U.S.-based, but many have online chat)
988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline – Call or text 988
Crisis Text Line – Text HOME to 741741